For many couples, the phrase "sexless marriage" is enough to send them into a spiral. But in a culture that places much significance on how often people have sex, the panic isn't exactly unwarranted: there's seemingly constant pressure to maintain a certain level of intimacy with your partner, and that pressure can make even the healthiest relationships feel like they're failing.
The reality, however, is that more sex doesn't automatically equal more happiness. And while it's commonly believed that a healthy relationship must be a sexually active one, that's not always the case.
Corey* is someone who found herself in a sexless marriage with her partner of 13 years, but it wasn't all sadness and hardships. According to her, it was actually the happiest she and her partner had ever been. "During the time we weren't having sex, we were growing closer than ever," she tells PS.
At the beginning of their relationship, sex was very important. "We got together as teenagers, so there were lots of horny hormones," Corey says. But after maintaining what she refers to as a "healthy sex life" for seven years, life got in the way.
"Sex is not the reason we are together; it's just a nice bonus.""It was right after COVID, and we had just dealt with a really sick pet and just some general stagnation. I think we were just feeling stuck in life and so we were just kinda treading water together," Corey, who resides in Washington, says. "My husband also began dealing with some chronic fatigue issues, and I had gained some weight and wasn't feeling great about myself, so physically, we weren't at our best."
Gradually, the two stopped prioritizing sex. "We just kind of weren't in the mood," she adds. But during the two years they weren't having sex, Corey didn't feel like it was hurting their relationship. "We learned to communicate even better and genuinely didn't fight at all," she says.
The couple also found other ways to be intimate. "We were still talking and going on dates, cuddling, and kissing," Corey adds. For this reason, she realized that romantic love was more than just sex. "Our relationship is strong, and it's built on mutual respect and genuinely liking one another. Sex is not the reason we are together; it's just a nice bonus."
So, Can You Be Happy in a Sexless Marriage?
Of course, whether someone can be happy in a sexless marriage is deeply personal. For some, sex is nonnegotiable. For others, intimacy takes many forms. But when you consider all the reasons a couple might stop having sex - changing hormones, health issues, identity shifts, emotional burnout - it makes sense that many relationships may evolve in this way.
Corey's story isn't the only positive experience of a sexless marriage. Though there are plenty of people who turn to the internet for help navigating a sexless marriage, there's also a growing corner of people normalizing it.
In one Reddit thread posted in the subreddit r/TrueOffMyChest, one person shared that they are "extremely happy" in their sexless marriage. "We never really had much sex to begin with, and we have been entirely sexless for six years since she began identifying as asexual. This was a challenge for a while and I came very close to ending things, but ultimately chose to stick with her," he wrote. "The decision to stay has been the best of my life, by far. For the past few years, I wake up every day feeling so lucky to be next to such a wonderful partner."
In another thread posted in r/Marriage, one person shared how taking sex completely off the table felt like a "great weight was lifted from our shoulders."
Though Corey and her husband were sexless for two years, they've since started reprioritizing it - but that shift didn't come from pressure or panic or because they felt like their relationship was failing. Instead, it came from communicating and simply wanting to reincorporate it into their relationship.
At the end of the day, every "healthy" marriage is going to look different, but as long as both parties are communicating and honest, Corey believes a "sexless marriage is just as valid as one with sex." She says, "Sex is a wonderful way to connect and feels great, but it doesn't have to be the basis of a marriage."
*Name has been changed.
Related: My Sex Drive Completely Disappeared. How Do I Get It Back? Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan. Read More Details
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