Dear Eric:
Five years ago, on Mother’s Day, my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life. He told me he no longer wanted contact because he didn’t like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence. I didn’t agree with his reasons, but I respected his choice. I’ve honored his no-contact request ever since.
I’ve never reached out to him directly, except once early on to his wife, and when one of my grandchildren turned 18, I sent a short letter letting him know I loved him and that now he could choose for himself, as an adult, whether to have a relationship with me. I didn’t hear back, but I plan to do the same for the others when they come of age.
My question is: if I become terminally ill – or find myself on my deathbed – would it be wrong to send my son a letter asking if he’d want to be notified when the time comes? Or would that be crossing a line, even in the face of death? When I had cancer a few years ago, I didn’t contact him, but I did tell my daughter to let him know if I passed. Thankfully, I made it through, but I know I’m living on borrowed time.
– A Mother Who Still Loves Her Son
Dear Mother:
I’m sorry that it’s come to this between you and your son. Estrangement is so hard and can be so confusing. I’m curious, however, if there’s a deeper need that you’re trying to address with this question. It’s clear that your son’s decision is painful and you feel helpless to fix it. And so, the mind naturally goes to a scenario that might get a response. But getting his permission to notify him in the event of your death is not going to fully satisfy you.
What you’re reaching for is a connection with your son. Or, at the least, reassurance that there is still something left in your relationship. Both are understandable. And I believe that’s something you’ll need to address in life.
Your son doesn’t need to give you permission to have someone notify him when you pass. It’s also possible he wouldn’t respond to that letter either, which would make you feel worse. Your daughter has already agreed to do it, and I can’t see why she wouldn’t follow through. Also, if you have a will, he’d be contacted by the executor of your estate.
If you want to reset or repair your relationship because of your sense of borrowed time, you should. Now, that might involve some deeper soul-searching, some work with a counselor or some amends. And you have to go into acknowledging that your son still may not respond at all. But do the work you can in life; it will provide you more comfort.
Dear Eric:
When my husband and I disagree, the fight often comes down to him saying, “You just look for reasons to be mad at me.”
It is so demeaning to me.
And it relieves him from responsibility: because if my grievances are simply imaginary, he doesn’t need to do anything.
We don’t have many disagreements, but neither do we make progress when they happen.
I wish for some more understanding. Can you provide some advice?
– Tired of Fighting
Dear Tired:
You’re right on the money: it takes any onus off of him and makes his behavior your responsibility, and your problem. It’s helpful, in a calm moment, to communicate this to him using “I” statements. Explain how it feels when he says it, and how you wish it to be different.
Now, the big caveat is that you may say that even this is a reason you’re finding to be mad at him. Here’s the thing about being mad at a partner: sometimes you really don’t have to go looking for it. And that can be OK – we’re human; we don’t always see eye to eye. But if he can’t acknowledge your feelings as valid, even if he doesn’t agree, he’s giving you another reason to be mad. And worse, he’s undermining you.
This is an unhealthy way to argue. Many couples benefit from tackling this issue in couples’ therapy. It may seem a little backwards to go into therapy with the stated desire to argue better. But therapy isn’t always about getting you to a place where you never argue. It’s about getting you to a place where, when arguments happen, they’re rooted in clear, productive communication, so that you can move through it, rather than getting stuck in it.
He’s latching on to a narrative about you that is getting both of you stuck. Talking about your process for disagreement with a therapist will help untangle the narrative and write a new one.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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