I want to be in a drug commercial. Not just while they’re shooting it, but all the time.
Those people have all the fun, don’t you think? And the more serious the ailment, the more fun the actors are having. Yes, I know they’re professional actors. I’m not stupid.
But if they can have a chronic disease like hypochondryiatus and still manage to mountain bike through a meadow covered with wildflowers, paddleboard on a glistening bay and grill hamburgers for a cookout — all on the same day — then that’s for me. Especially when it comes with an attractive partner and a smiling mixed-race group of friends.
I usually need a nap after a trip to the grocery store.
I did an online search on this topic, and this is what the wonderful world of artificial intelligence told me: It’s “important to remember that these commercials may not accurately reflect the real-life experiences of taking a medication.” Gee, really? I’m so disappointed.
Here’s the take-away: Never trust a smiling person on a drug commercial. Nor the catchy jingle.
As you’ve probably guessed, the federal government requires drug companies to disclose potential side effects in their advertising.
But who’s listening to such boring drivel, when the screen is showing a laughing, good-looking woman throwing a birthday party for her dog, complete with doggie birthday cake and balloons?
Lil Wayne, dog of Frumpy Middle-aged Mom Marla Jo Fisher (Photo by Marla Jo Fisher/SCNG)Especially when the side effects are being recited rapid-fire in a monotone that’s barely audible. What did he say? Cancer? Stroke? Paralysis? Going into labor? Coma? Death? Couldn’t hear him. Oh, look at that dog. He’s so cute.
After the boring, almost inaudible part, the commercial gets louder again and back to its main point, which is that being sick is fun fun fun — after you start taking their drugs.
The U.S. is one of only two countries in the world (New Zealand is the other one) that allows drug manufacturers to advertise directly to the public. And the companies spend $6 billion a year on advertising directly to us, and they’re not stupid.
“Saturday Night Live” did a hilarious send up of drug commercials with actor Jon Hamm, pointing out that the fun is frequently in slow motion.
“Rock climbing with a smile. Kayaking with your significant other. Hiking with your interracial friends. If you find yourself doing any of these activities in slow motion, you may have herpes,” narrator Jon Hamm intones. “As we’ve learned from Valtrex commercials, these activities are the No. 1 indicators of herpes infections.”
The commercial asks the question: How do you know who in the shot has the disease? Well, it’s the person having the most fun.
Because I always strive to be informative in my columns, here are some other warning signs you can learn from these ads:
Wearing a long-sleeved sweater to your kid’s soccer game is a warning sign that you have moderate to severe psoriasis. Sitting on your porch while your toddler grandson runs toward you is a sure sign that you need to speak to your gastroenterologist about your moderate to severe Crohn’s disease. Trying to toss a football through a hanging tire is a poorly disguised metaphor for erectile dysfunction.Breaking out into a choreographed dance number likely means you have Type 2 diabetes, especially according to the prescription medicine Jardiance. In its commercials, participants break out into a song-and-dance number worthy of Bollywood. But here’s a clue: Make sure there’s a restroom nearby while you’re dancing. I briefly took Jardiance, and it made me head for the bathroom about every 15 minutes all day long.
“Jardiance is really swell,’ the singing, dancing actress intones, while beaming with a Disney-sized smile on her face. “The little pill with the big story to tell.”
I have taken some of these heavily promoted medications, such as Lenvima, which is a type of cancer immunotherapy that costs more every month than I paid for my car. But I’m sad to say that, despite the cost, I didn’t break out into a dance or go kayaking, not even once. In fact, I could barely get out of bed.
That’s why I want to live in a drug commercial. Just keep this warning in mind: Don’t take it if you’re allergic, and discontinue if death occurs.
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