DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband wants to have a baby; I do not.
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My husband has two beautiful stepdaughters from a previous relationship, and when he and I were dating, I spent a lot of time getting to know them. I love children and thought I was open to them, but five years into marriage and stepmotherhood with a fast-paced career to tend to, I don’t feel the need to have my own.
Recently, my husband shared with me that he would really love for us to have a child together. He showers me with compliments about what kind of mother he knows I would be, and while I appreciate it, I feel happy with the children we currently have in our lives.
How can two people compromise on something so black-and-white?
— Baby Fever
DEAR BABY FEVER: You just have to be honest. Tell him you appreciate his belief that you would be a great mom, but it is not something you want or are willing to commit to doing.
Point out that you understand the sacrifice, and you lack the interest or willingness to do that. Note that you love his stepchildren and are grateful that they are integral to your lives, and that’s enough for you. Apologize for not discussing this before you got married.
Do know that should you get pregnant, your opinion might change. It did for me 100%. I wasn’t planning on having children, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son and I have a strange relationship. Since he moved out, things have been even more strained.
We were never close; he was always a bit tucked away and not welcoming when I would try to bond with him. Now he doesn’t even call me.
I didn’t see any of this coming. I am trying hard not to let my feelings get the best of me, but I feel rejected at this point, which keeps me from calling him.
He still stops by the house for holidays and when he needs something, so I try to be kind. When we know he’s coming over, I’ll cook food for him to take back with him and try to purchase things he may need, but still, it seems like it’s hard for him to reciprocate any gestures.
I just want to know that he’s open to trying. What am I doing wrong?
— Sad Mom
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Don’t be mad that he doesn’t call you. Call him if you want to check in. Don’t let your feelings get the best of you. Continue to do kind things for him. Thank him when he comes to visit.
Enjoy the moments you do have without expectation. Don’t wait for anything else from him.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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