RCDE STADIUM — It’s international football’s greatest riddle – when is a win not a win?
Thomas Tuchel discovered that strange truth here in sweltering Barcelona as his England side earned the most pyrrhic win imaginable in the half-empty home of Espanyol.
It was bad. Really bad. So tragic that the 7,000 or so England fans who had been sipping beer in the sun all afternoon amused themselves by singing songs about how much they hate Keir Starmer and adopting Andorra centre-half Ian Olivera as an unlikely hero.
"Some of the players looked bored"
Roy Keane and Karen Carney reflect on an underwhelming England victory against Andorra #ITVFootball | #ThreeLions pic.twitter.com/BN6GtiZ3J3
All week the talk had been about swallowing digital pills but in the end it was the England performance that was difficult to digest.
Tuchel had promised England would suffocate Andorra but those words rang especially hollow as his players witlessly passed the ball side to side in a way that would have got Gareth Southgate crucified.
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But if we’re looking for signs of progress – or some grand plan unfolding under Tuchel – it certainly wasn’t here as England’s all-star cast looked as if they’d rather be anywhere else.
It was a head scratcher given Henderson surely isn’t going to be a central part of Tuchel’s plans for the World Cup. Or is he? Anyone who can fathom a plan for how England are going to move through the five or so gears they need to find to win a World Cup, please speak up.
Henderson actually did okay. Along with Curtis Jones – inverted right full-back slash winger here – he was one of the better performers. Noni Madueke showed intent too, running with pace at Andorra when he managed to cast off the shackles of the yellow shirts who tracked his every movement.
Harry Kane opens the scoring!
He becomes the first player to score in each of a mangers 1st three matches in charge of @England since Peter Crouch#ITVFootball | #ThreeLions pic.twitter.com/ouDYfXPKNH
Kane at least appreciated that application would be needed to win the fixture. But there were worrying signs that in a team that should be all pace and front foot, he lacks the necessary gas to get beyond defenders. Twice he tried to accelerate past Andorra’s back five in the first half, twice he came up short.
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So Tuchel’s England haven’t exactly set the world alight in their three qualifying wins so far. If anything performances have regressed considerably since the mild-mannered Lee Carsley handed over the reins after guiding England to Nations League promotion in a fun, slightly chaotic manner.
He must be yearning for games that actually mean something. The rest of the year isn’t much different for England – Tuesday’s opponents Senegal the highest ranked opponents they will face until qualification is sewn up in November and we can start to get into the logistics of navigating the most complicated World Cup itinerary of all-time.
By then this game will have been consigned to the dustbin of history, which is where it belongs.
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