Before watching Crufts I believed that what made a good dog was looking fluffy and pooing in the right place. Now I realise that it in fact involves the possession of an aristocratic head. A noble head. A feminine head. A nicely moulded head. A dog should be of substance “but in no way overdone”. It should demonstrate “pounding, trotting action”, it should be “racy, balanced and full of quality” – “and of course, it should always have a wag”.
I assumed no self-respecting adult in their right mind could sincerely enter themselves in the Heel Toe to Music competition and seek to impress a crowd both human and dog with a routine to “Tale as Old as Time” from Beauty and the Beast, or dress up as a witch and direct their pet around the hall with a broom. I could not fathom that a placid, 4kg mammal called “Tapas” might be handed a microphone by Clare Balding, a woman with a degree from Cambridge.
Krypto, a toy poodle is groomed by its owner on the second day of Crufts (Photo: Temilade Adelaja)Crufts, I now appreciate, and which generations have known before me, is a sublimely ridiculous, earnest, and sweet institution we should cherish. And not because of the dogs, but because of the side of humanity it brings out.
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Read MoreIt is also an antidote to the kind of pleasing, beautiful portrait of perfection displayed on, say, the staggeringly inane With Love, Meghan, which provided my first lobotomy of this week.
It makes us vulnerable and curious, too – the concerned texter who wants advice about their flatulent poodle Grouch, the one seeking help for their bull terrier who has been “drooling terribly”. The child who wonders why their dog circles in the park before finding “a safe place to do their poo in peace” (it’s related to the Earth’s magnetic fields, according to one vet). It might be a dog show, but there’s nothing more human than Crufts.
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