But how helpful is it to agonise over these decisions? Is it even possible to live a life completely devoid of regret? And if it is, how would one achieve that?
“There’s so much more choice now, and that can sound like a good thing,” she says. “But it’s paradoxical because the more choice we have, the more variables there are to consider and that’s where we can get stuck, overthink and wonder ‘If I choose this what if something better comes along tomorrow?’”
Wellbeing coach and author Adrienne Adhami (Photo: Supplied)The four things people regret most
When Daniel Pink, author of The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, conducted a global survey of over 26,000 regrets he found that regrets fell into four main categories:
Foundation regrets, which occur because of a perceived failure to make sensible plans and create stability for ourselves. Boldness regrets; the feeling we get when we play it too safe and are left wondering what could have been. Moral regrets, involving perceived lapses in judgement. Connection regrets, when we have let relationships fade or fall into disrepair.I tried six snoring cures - this is the one that worked
Read More“In my experience, there’s a kind of pluralistic ignorance here,” he said in an interview with Behavioral Scientist. “We believe that no one else has many regrets, and certainly if they did, they wouldn’t want to mention them. So we think that we should be that way too, even though we actually desperately want to talk about them—because talking about them is a way of relieving the burden. Talking about them is a way of making sense of those regrets.”
The power of reframing“The only way to not have regret or disappointment is if the world is completely predictable or stable,” he says. “And we know that is not the case, particularly at the moment. The world seems to be getting even more unstable. And so you’re constantly having to learn. And the only way you can learn, of course, is by making errors.”
Neuropsychologist Chris Frith (Photo: Supplied)“Part of the human experience is to have regrets,” she says. “I sometimes reframe my own regrets as signposts and I think actually, if that situation arises again, next time I’m going to do it differently.”
Don’t live in fear – make active choices
We tend to regret some decisions more than others. Why is that? Chris Frith thinks that we are more likely to regret something that was a deliberate choice – rather than something that happened by chance.
“You regret something more if it’s a deliberate choice. Let’s say you ride your bicycle through the park every day, there’s a round pond and you always go around it to the left.
Fear of regrets can often be so strong that it leads to indecision – which become a vicious cycle; something that Adhami’s clients often struggle with.
She stresses, however, that while fear can keep us from making choices that we may later regret, it can also be a helpful tool.
Push away peer pressure
Chris Frith says that being influenced by others in our decisions plays a large role in how we feel about our decisions.
In What Makes Us Social?, his 2023 book with developmental psychologist and UCL Emeritus Professor of Cognitive Development, Uta Frith (also his wife), this is explained further.
Adrienne Adhami recognises this too. “All of us face decisions, whether big or small every single day and many of us lack the confidence to trust that we know what’s best, that it’s the right time or the right opportunity. Partly, that’s because modern living means that we are seeing so much more of everybody else’s lives.”
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Read More“Other people respect rules and boundaries much more when you communicate them. You could say, ‘I don’t drink at work events’, or, ‘I don’t drink on weekdays’, so that you’re not relying on willpower or making another decision when you’re tired, stressed or have decision fatigue from a whole day of work. It means that when somebody says ‘just have a drink’, you can communicate your rule rather than framing it as an open question – and people will be more likely to accept it.”
But our best bet when it comes to making peace with regret in our lives, says Chris Frith, is to welcome, rather than fear it. “People try to avoid regret because it’s an unpleasant emotion but I think we should welcome regret, because it tells us that we’re capable of doing things and can do them better next time.”
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